Inner Confessions
by katiekat784
Summary: "If I hadn't, you'd be having this conversation with him. But maybe that's the way you prefer it?" "Perhaps, I would." At that moment, she did want to have that conversation with Michael instead of him. And in that moment, she wanted to hurt him, even more than he had hurt her. Ziva's thoughts thoughout 6x25 Aliyah.


_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own anything that's familiar. _

**Words:** 896

**Spoilers:** 6x25 Aliyah

**Inner Confessions**

_Why would I lie to you, Ziva? _

_To save your worthless ass. _

She threw the keycard and the bags on the counter, as soon as she walked through the door of the hotel she was staying in. As if what happened to Michael wasn't bad enough. Now, she didn't even have an apartment to go back to. She shook her head, not wanting to think about that, not wanting to think about anything.

_You jeopardized your entire career, and for what? _

_For you, _

Quickly, she shoved the things in the cupboard, slamming and almost breaking the doors as she closed them. How dare he, he had no right, absolutely no right. She chanted in her head. The more she thought about it, the angrier she became. At first, her anger was directed at him, then it was at Michael and finally she became angry at herself.

_He was playing you, Ziva. _

_For some reason, you thought it was your job, protecting me. _

That stupid conversation, that stupid selfish bastard. She didn't need protecting. She wasn't some scared defenseless teenager. She didn't need protecting from Michael. And even if by some minor chance that he was playing her, she could deal with it on her own and sure as hell didn't need him of all people telling her about playing and being played, he was the master of it.

_If I hadn't, you'd be having this conversation with him. But maybe that's the way you prefer it? _

_Perhaps, I would. _

At that moment, he was the most idiotic, horrible person she knew. And she knew a lot of those. At that moment, she did want to have that conversation with Michael instead of him. And at that moment, she wanted to hurt him, even more than he had hurt her. She went into the bathroom and turned on the taps for a bath. She needed to relax; otherwise, she wouldn't be able to breathe.

_Get it out of your system, go ahead, do it. _

_Be careful, Tony. Much like Michael, I only need one._

She grabbed a wine glass and the bottle and went back to the bathroom, waiting for the tub to fill. When she stopped the water, she put one foot in the scorching tub and immediately wanted to remove the burning foot. Instead of withdrawing, she lifted the other one in and let the boiling water touch the rest of her skin. She watched as the steam rose up from the water and evaporated into the air. Candles had been placed around the room and the pleasant aroma of black cherry and spices were smelt every time she breathed. She closed her eyes and sunk into the bend of the tub, hearing only the sound of the soft tune playing in the background.

_And that's what you're really angry about, isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead. It's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me. _

She tried not to think of what happened but she couldn't help it, it had once again invaded her mind. She shot up, water sloshed on the floor but she didn't care. She wanted Michael, she needed Michael. She didn't need him, she didn't want him, not ever. He was simply a means to an end, an itch that she needed to scratch a couple of times. She wasn't his, they weren't a couple. She didn't have feelings for him, she couldn't. She didn't even belong to Michael. She wasn't anybody's to have. So, then why did she feel this way? Why wasn't she there for Michael? Why out of all the people in the world, was he the one that killed Michael? And why couldn't she hate him? She asked herself while still in denial, as she continued to watch the steam rise from the tub.

_You loved him. _

_I guess, I'll never know. _

The questions formed in her mind but she didn't want to answer them. So instead, she closed her eyes and sunk back into the tub. Slowly, she came down from her rant and really thought about everything. Love, it was such a powerful thing, a powerful word which she wasn't used to thinking about. Did she love Michael, she didn't know. That was lie, she knew, she just couldn't face the truth. She sighed, as she continued to listen to the low hum of the melody that filled her ears. She opened her eyes and finally admitted the truth. The truth was that no, she didn't love Michael, not really. But that's not why she was so angry. She loved him not Michael. As much as she tried not to. As much as she denied and forced her feelings back. As much as she forced herself to act like she hated him. And she did hate him but she also loved him. And once again, the man she gave her heart to, broke it. The man she opened herself up to, betrayed her, again. But yet, she couldn't stop her feelings. And that's why she hated him. That's why she was so angry because with Michael, she could've at least tried to love and be loved without many complications. With Michael, she could've tried to forget about him, about them, about how he made her feel. With Michael, it would've been so much easier.

**AN I haven't been able to see the episode in a while, just parts. Sorry if I get some things wrong. Anyways, I needed to get this out of my system (unintentional reference). Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it and it would make my day if you reviewed. **


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